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Turns Out, You Can Grow Tulips In Houston

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Dodie Jackson, president, Garden Club of Houston
Dodie Jackson, president, Garden Club of Houston

Are tulips the blithering idiots of the plant world?

“They’re really quite dumb,” says Dodie Jackson. “You can fool them. You put them in a dark refrigerator, it’s cold, and they think it’s wintertime.” On second thought, tulips are also arresting, amazing, and beautiful in an extravagant sort of way, as Jackson is the first to acknowledge. Watching her nurse a Diet Coke at the West Alabama Ice House, it occurs to us that the proper metaphor for tulips is not blithering idiots but pageant contestants. 

By the way, it’s unlikely that Jackson’s bulbs would be offended by her insinuations, if only because the pair have a long, complex relationship that allows for such joshing. There was a time when things were more strained, however. We’re speaking of when Jackson first moved to Houston from Denver in 1977. Like many before and since, Jackson fell in love with this place and wanted to put down roots here. It all came down to whether she could convince her tulips to do the same.

“I was determined,” Jackson remembers, her face turning fierce before dissolving into a smile. “I figured out how to do it.”

The trick was to refrigerate the bulbs for six weeks minimum, starting in October or November. In January, Jackson and her “adorable, real cute” husband plant them—4,000 of them in a typical year—in the flowerbeds of their River Oaks home (where, by the way, a few years ago they filled in the pool to make way for a greenhouse). Not surprisingly, the house becomes something of a neighborhood attraction each spring. “Honey, we’ve had more babies sitting for Easter photos than you would believe,” she laughs. 

As it happens, Jackson’s connection with tulips has helped her make connections elsewhere, chiefly with the Garden Club of Houston, whose apron she has worn to our interview. It seems that around 2000, Jackson and her husband were having coffee in their breakfast room. Casting their eyes on the sea of red and pink tulips in the yard, they spied an invasive species among them—a brunette with a big camera. 

“I said to Richard, ‘Do you think I ought to introduce myself?’ And he said, ‘It’s your yard.’” The woman lived around the corner, was a Garden Club member, and knew a new recruit when she saw one. “We’ve become very good friends,” says Jackson. “It was because of the tulips.”

Her rise within the club’s ranks was inevitable, and Jackson, now retired from a career in finance, is presently the GCH’s horticulture chairman, also a tireless promoter of its massive annual Bulb and Plant Mart (now held each October at St. John the Divine). “My husband and I don’t have children. When you have children, you run with people that have children,” she says. “Thanks to gardening I’ve met people that I probably would have never met.”

The GCH is involved in projects with the Museum of Fine Arts, Rienzi, the Medical Center, and more, and every couple of years, it puts on Florescence, a huge competitive flower show. The next one is in April. “It’s always a joint venture with the Museum of Fine Arts and the River Oaks Garden Club. The Garden Club of Houston is much older,” stresses Jackson with a rather obvious wink. (The GCH was established in 1924, the ROGC in 1927.) And while she isn’t one to brag, Jackson will tell you, when pressed, about the dozen Best in Show awards she has taken home from Florescence over the years, as well as her Louise Agee Wrinkle Horticulture Propagation Award, which sounds like the gardening equivalent of an Oscar for technical achievement.

For Jackson, success in the garden is all about relationships. “Plants talk to you like people,” she says. “They tell you what they want.” Having connections within the horticultural world is also invaluable. “The great thing about gardeners is that they share.” Usually, that is. When Florescence season rolls around, however, those helping hands may be replaced by claws. 

“It’s like, her fern is so good,” Jackson says with a diabolical grin, “but mine’s better.” For the record, she flatly declines to relate what she’s planning to wow the judges with next April.

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Is Your Child Really Ready for Preschool?

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Before you answer that question, child psychologist Dr. Lyle Cadenhead, who practices at A Nurturing Home in Montrose, suggests that you assess your child’s development in four key areas. To wit:

Social:“Is he or she able to separate from parents easily or readily?” Cadenhead asks. “Can they be with others?”

Emotional: Cadenhead says little ones need to be able to sit still in circle time and negotiate the structure of heading off to various workstations during each day. “Are they able to manage their emotions at an appropriate developmental level? If they have frequent meltdowns, if they can’t contain themselves, then they probably are not ready to go yet.” 

Cognitive:“Their speech needs to be appropriate…. If they can’t get their needs met in a group setting or with the teacher, that could cause an emotional or behavioral breakdown. They need to be able to ‘use their words.’ If not, that’s when the hitting or biting can come into play.”

Physical:“If they go too young, they might not be able to handle the demands of the day.” 

It’s a parent’s job to inch children in the above directions, says Cadenhead. “You can give them the skills that they will need in preschool. You can help them stretch emotionally, learn as much as they can to interact socially. You can teach them how to sit in a circle. Teach them how to take a deep breath and calm themselves.” 

And remember too that your child needn’t be perfect on day one. Cadenhead says that any good preschool worth its salt will help children along. “They should blossom in the preschool,” she says. “Really, preschool is a wonderful place for a child, because they begin to learn so much.”

Chart: Houston’s Best Preschools, Compared

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School NameNeighborhoodWebsiteEducational ApproachTuitionStudent-Teacher RatioWait ListLegacy AdmissionsSibling Discount
A + Kids Early Learning CenterSpringapluskidselc.comSRA/McGraw Hill$135/week5 to 1NNN
Agape Christian PreschoolPasadenaagapepreschool.comTexas School Ready/NAEYC$145/week9 to 1YNY
A Kid's WorldLeague Cityakidsworld.netMontessori$160–$165/week15 to 1NNY
Annunciation Orthodox SchoolMontroseaoshouston.orgSchool Specific$16,920/year9 to 1YYN
Armand Bayou Montessori SchoolClear Lakearmandbayouschool.comMontessori$195/week5 to 1NNY
Atasocita MontessoriAtasocita/Humblemontessori.com/montessori-schools/humble-tx-7353Montessori$940/month8.5 to 1NNY
Avalon AcademyMontroseavalonacademy.orgSplash Into Pre-K$733/month12–18 to 1–NNY
Awty International SchoolSpring Branchawty.orgIB/College Prep$16,168/year7 to 1YYN
Becker Early Childhood CenterUniversity Placeemanuelhouston.orgLearning Through Play$4,000–$8,200/year7 to 1YYY2
Beehive Cooperative PreschoolWest Universitybeehivecoop.orgSchool Specific$250–$285/monthN/AYYN
Beginnings and BeyondSpringbeginningsandbeyondchildcare.comSchool Specific , Teacher-based$159–$169/week15 to 1NNY
Blossom Heights Child Development CenterWoodlake/Briar Meadowblossomheights.comReggio Emilia$1,000/month7 to 1NNN
Bonne Vie schoolAfton Oaksbonnevieschool.comMontessori$14,200–$15,332/year12 to 1YNN
Brighton AcademyThe Woodlandsbrightonacademykids.comMother Goose Time$190–$195/week7.5 to 1YNN
British School of HoustonOak Forest/Garden Oaksbritishschoolofhouston.orgInternational Primary$20,530/year10 to 1YYY2
Casa Dei BambiniMissouri Citycdbmontessori.comMontessori$960/weekN/AYYN
Cathedral House Episcopal SchoolDowntowndiscoverches.orgMontessori$1,280/month4 to 1YYY
Children's CoalitionGalvestonccgalveston.orgHigh Reach$600–$670/month7 to 1YYY
Childtime Learning CentersVariouschildtime.comReggio Emilia$145/week15 to 1NNY
Cinco Ranch MontessoriKatymontessori.com/montessori-schools/katy-tx-7346Montessori$760/month14 to 1YNY
Cornerstone United MethodistCypresscornerstoneumc.orgSchool Specific$290/month8 to 1YYY2
Creme de la CremeVariouscremedelacreme.comSchool Specific$1,370/month10 to 1NNY
Crossing BordersVariouscrossingborderspreschool.comSchool Specific, Language Immersion$635/month15 to 1NNY
Crosspoint Christian SchoolKatycrosspt.org/pages/schoolFrog Street$325/month8 to 1NNY
Cypresswood Montessori SchoolSpringcypresswoodmontessori.comMontessori$680/month15 to 1NNY
Discovery SchoolhouseKatydiscovery-schoolhouse.comA Beka$195/week15 to 1NNY
Epiphany Lutheran SchoolWestsideepiphanylutheranschool.orgSchool Specific, Frog Street/Voyages–influenced$265/month7.5-1NYY
Esperanza SchoolThe Heightsesperanzaschool.comPiagetianN/AN/AYYY
Exclesior University ChildrenSeabrookexcelsioruniv.comSAIL/University Mode$170/week15 to 1NNY
First Foundation Child Care/PreschoolSugar Landfirstfoundationpreschool.comMontessori-inspired$95/week7.5 to 1NNY
First Steps MontessoriRiver Oakssjd.orgMontessori$1,100/month5 to 1YYN
Five Star MontessoriEnergy Corridorfivestarmontessori.comMontessori$845–$915/month15 to 1NYY
Graceland Kidz AcademyBraeburngracelandkidzacademy.comA Beka$340/month15 to 1NNY
Grace SchoolWestsidegraceschool.orgFrog Street$12,766/year12 to 2YYN
Greatwood MontessoriSugar Landmontessori.com/montessori-schools/sugarland-tx-7348Montessori$955/month12 to 1NNY
Greenwood Christian PreschoolChampionsgreenwoodchristiantx.comSchool Specific$425/month6.5 to 1NNY
Greystone House Montessori SchoolVariousgreystonehouse.comMontessori$775/month15 to 1NNY
GT MontessoriKatykatygtacademy.orgMontessori$785/month14 to 1NNY
HeartsHome at Bright HorizonsMemorial Villageschild-care-preschool.brighthorizons.comThe World at Their Fingertips$1,295/month10 to 1YNN
Holy Family Catholic SchoolGalvestonhfcsgalv.orgSchool Specific$5,120/year10 to 1NNY
House at Pooh CornerUpper KirbyN/ANAEYC/MontessoriN/A7 to 1YYN
ILM AcademySpring Branchilmacademy.orgMontessori, Language Immersion$675/month6 to 1YYY
Katy Visual and Performing Arts CenterKatykvpac.orgTeacher-led, Play-based (POCET)$500/month7.5 to 1YNY
Kids ClubhouseVariouskclubhouse.comA Beka$620/month15 to 1NNY
Kids R KidsVariouskidsrkids.comBrain Waves$700/month15 to 1NNY
Kidz Only Learning CenterConroekidsonlychildcareandlearningcenter.comSchool Specific$488/month15 to 1NNY
KinderCare Learning CentersVariouskindercare.comSchool Specific$792/month15 to 1NNY
Kinkaid SchoolMemorial Villageskinkaid.orgSchool Specific$17,850/year8 to 1YYN
Klein-Spring MontessoriSpringkleinspringmontessori.comMontessori$750/month10 to 1NNY
Kompany KidsGalleriakompanykids.comHighScope$856/month15 to 1NNY
Lakewood Montessori SchoolCypresshouston-montessori.comMontessori$954/month15 to 1NNY
La Maternelle French AcademyWestsidelamaternellehouston.comFrench Academy$1,028/month10 to 1NNY
La Petite AcademyVariouslapetite.comJourney$640/month15 to 1NNY
Little Fishers PreschoolSugar Landlittlefisherspreschool.orgVoyages$450/month10 to 1YNN
Little Wonders Learning CenterMissouri Citylittlewondersschool.comReggio Emilia$920/month7 to 1NYY
Memorial Drive UMCMemorial Westmdumcweekdayschool.orgSchool Specific$750/month6 to 1YYY
Montessori Country Day SchoolMuseum Districtmontessorihouston.comMontessori$1,200/month10 to 1YYY
Montessori Learning InstituteBellairemontessorilearninghouston.netMontessori$940/week8.5 to 1NNY
Montessori School of DowntownMuseum Districtmontessoridowntown.comMontessori$989/month15 to 1NNY
Montessori Villa of The WoodlandsThe Woodlandsmontessorivilla.orgMontessori$925/month5 to 1NNY
Moody Methodist Day SchoolGalvestonmoody.org/moody-day-schoolSchool Specific$570/month16 to 1YNN
Noah's Ark PreschoolCypresscypressbible.org/nap.htmlCenters-based$160/week11 to 1NNY
Oak Ridge Christian AcademyThe Woodlandsoakridgechristian.orgA Beka$6,300/year12 to 1NYN
Our Savior Lutheran SchoolGreater Inwoodoslschool.orgClassical$580/month12 to 1NNY
Parent's Choice of SpringSpringparentschoiceofspring.comApplebaum$160/week15 to 1YNY
Pathway to Learning PreschoolVariouspathwaytolearninginc.comPinnacle$90/week15 to 1NNY
Pilgrim Lutheran SchoolBellaireplshouston.orgSchool Specific$6,950/year8 to 1NYY
Pines Presbyterian PreschoolSpring Branchpinespresbyterianpreschool.comSchool Specific$500/month7 to 1NYN
Poe Cooperative Nursery SchoolUpper Kirbypoeco.orgSchool Specific/Cooperative$400/month8 to 1YNN
Post Oak SchoolBellairepostoakschool.orgMontessori$17,600/year14 to 1YYN
Presbyterian SchoolMuseum Districtpshouston.orgSchool Specific$14,545/year6 to 1YYN
Primrose SchoolVariousprimroseschools.comBalanced Learning$310/week12 to 1NNY
Red Apple Private School & ChildcareBraeburnredappleschool.comA Beka$135/week15 to 1NNY 1
Rising Scholars Learning CenterConroerisingscholarschildcare.comTEA Guidelines/Complete Daily Curriculum$150/week9 to 1NNY
Riverbend Montessori SchoolSugar Landriverbendmontessori.comMontessori$8,250/year7 to 1YYY2
River Oaks Baptist SchoolRiver Oaksrobs.orgSchool Specific$14,600/year8 to 1YYN
School for Little ChildrenSugar Landschoolforlittlechildren.comSchool Specific$320/month7 to 1YYN
School in the PinesSpringschoolinthepines.comMontessori/TEA Guidelines$10,400/year8 to 1NNY
School of the WoodsSpring Branchschoolofthewoods.orgMontessori$14,607/year10 to 1YYN
Sheridan Montessori SchoolWest Universitysheridanmontessori.comMontessori$950/month9 to 1NNN
Sherwood Forest Montessori SchoolMemorial Westsherwoodforestmontessori.comMontessori$11,280/year8 to 1YNN
Silverline Montessori SchoolPearlandsilverlinemontessori.comMontessori$860/month12 to 1NNY
Smaller Scholars Montessori AcademyWestsidesmallerscholars.comMontessoriN/A15 to 1NNY
Small Planet PreschoolVariousaplaceforlearning.com/houstonMontessori, BilingualN/A10 to 1NNY
Southampton MontessoriUniversity PlaceN/AMontessori$1,250/month10 to 1YYN
Star Montessori School and Day CarePasadenastarmontessori.comMontessori$140/week10 to 1NNN
St. Andrew's Episcopal SchoolThe Heightssaecheights.orgMontessori$1,033/month7 to 1YYN
St. Anne catholic schoolMontrosestannecs.orgSchool Specific$9,615/year9 to 1YYY
St. Catherine's MontessoriWillowbendstcathmont.orgMontessori$9,935/year7 to 1YYY
St. FrancIs Episcopal Day SchoolMemorial Villagesstfrancishouston.orgReggio Emilia–inspired$16,710/year5 to 1Y–YN
St. Martin's Episcopal PreschoolGalleriastmartinsepiscopalpreschool.orgCenter-based Learning$945/month8 to 1YYY
St. Michael catholic schoolGalleriastmichaelcs.orgSchool Specific$8,435/year11 to 1YYY
St. Paul's SchoolMuseum Districtstpaulspreschool.orgSchool SpecificN/A8 to 1YYN
St. Stephen’s Episcopal SchoolMontroseschool.ststephens.orgMontessori$14,190/year9 to 1YYY
Sugar Mill Montessori SchoolSugar Landsugarmillmontessori.comMontessori$790/month12 to 1YYN
Summerfield AcademySpringsummerfieldacademy.comThematic, Literature-based Curriculum$185/week8 to 1NNN
Taylor Lake Christian Montessori SchoolSeabrooktlcmontessori.comMontessoriN/A10 to 1NNY3
The Country Kingdom Montessori SchoolLeague Citythecountrykingdom.comMontessori$569/month5 to 1NYY
The Goddard SchoolVariousgoddardschool.comFLEX Learning Program$260/week12 to 1NNN
The Innovative Montessori SchoolWestsidetheinnovativeschool.comMontessori$700/month12 to 1NNN
The Honor Roll SchoolSugar Landthehonorrollschool.comNobel Learning Communities Curriculum$1,255/month11 to 1NNN
The John Cooper SchoolThe Woodlandsjohncooper.orgSchool Specific$18,125/year7 to 1YYN
The Kipling SchoolRice Militarythekiplingschool.comSchool Specific$1,250/month6.5 to 1NYY
The Learning Center at Living Word LutheranKatylivingwordkaty.orgSchool Specific$775/month7 to 1NYY
The Learning ExperienceSpringspring.tlechildcare.comLEAP$190/week11–15 to 1NNY
The Toddler HouseOak Forest/Garden Oakstthdaycare.comHigh Reach Learning$145/week15 to 1NYY
The Towne Creek SchoolMissouri Citythetownecreekschool.comScholastic Big Day$875/month8 to 1YYY
The Yellow SchoolMemorial Villagesmdpc.orgTexas Curriculum$525/month8 to 1YYY
The Westview SchoolSpring Branchwestviewschool.orgSchool Specific (Special Needs)$18,895/year5 to 1N/ANN
The Woodlands Young Learners AcademyThe Woodlandstwyounglearners.comSchool Specific$1,075/month15 to 1NYY
The Woods Private SchoolCypressthewoodsprivateschool.comSchool Specific$575/month16 to 1NYY
Tottenberry's Private SchoolPearlandtottenberrys.comSchool Specific$700/month15 to 1NNN
Trinity Episcopal SchoolGalvestontesgalv.orgScope and Sequence$5,350/year6 to 1YYY
Trinity LutheranFirst Wardtrinityklein.orgSchool Specific$1,045/year16 to 1YYY
United Orthodox Synagogues GoldbergMeyerlanduosgms.orgMontessori$11,285/year6 to 1NNN
Wellspring Children's AcademyEnergy Corridorwellspringchildrensacademy.comA Beka$184/week15 to 1NNY
Wesley AcademyWestchasewesleyacademy.netSACS CASI$215/month16 to 1NNN
Westbury ChristianBraeswoodwestburychristian.orgHigh Reach ProgramN/A12 to 1NNN
West Montessori School of CopperfieldCypressmontessori.com/montessori-schools/houston-tx-7345Montessori$880/month13 to 1YYY
WESTSIDE MONTESSORIEnergy Corridorwestsidemontessori.comMontessori$1,050/month13 to 1YYY
Woodforest AcademySpringwoodforestacademy.comSchool Specific$155/week11 to 1NYY
Woodlands Treehouse PreschoolThe Woodlandswoodlandstreehouse.comHigh Reach ProgramN/A7.5 to 1NYY
World of Wonder PreschoolPearlandworldofwonderpreschool.comSchool Specific$525/month8 to 1NYN
Yorkshire AcademyMemorial Villagesyorkshireacademy.comSchool Specific$201/week12 to 1YYN
Young Einsteins AcademySpringyoungeinsteinsacademy.orgMontessori$175/week10 to 1NNN
Zion LutheranThe Heightszionhouston.orgSchool Specific$750/month8 to 1YNN

The Myth of Ken Hoffman’s Elusive “Fender Mender”

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Is the man who fixed Ken Hoffman’s car on the cheap a saint or a scammer?
Is the man who fixed Ken Hoffman’s car on the cheap a saint or a scammer?

As faithful readers of the Chron columnist will surely remember, Ken Hoffman was involved in a minor car accident earlier this year. Conventional body shops gave him estimates in the range of $500 to fix the damage. That this seemed exorbitant to a man who writes a nationally-syndicated column on fast food was to be expected, and so Hoffman declined to have his car repaired.

Not long afterward—according to the February column—Hoffman was in his car when he was suddenly approached by a stranger offering to follow him home and repair the car then and there. The man was licensed and bonded, he told Hoffman, and better still promised to fix his car for a mere $250. 

“It was like I sent my car to Lourdes,” Hoffman wrote. “Ten minutes tops, he was done. He did an excellent job. I examined the fender, gave it a good wiggle, it looked fine, and he left.” Sadly, the fender-fixin’ Lone Ranger rode off into the sunset before Hoffman could get his name. E-mails entreating the columnist to provide it poured in from readers with damaged vehicles. Eventually, other readers identified the mystery mechanic as Luke Adams, aka the Fender Mender, and Hoffman wrote a second column that included the man’s contact info. The columnist told us that thanks to the free advertising provided, “hundreds” of readers availed themselves of the Fender Mender’s prowess.

Not all of them felt like their cars had been taken to Lourdes, however, among them Kathleen Archer, whose Prius, clearly cursed, had been crunched not once but twice by hit-and-run drivers in the six months she’d owned it. According to Archer, Adams promised to make her car as good as new—this time for $220—or her money back. The Fender Mender allegedly came out, banged on the car a bit, and slapped on some Turtle Wax and tape, telling Archer that her Prius would be pristine again in five hours, after the fix had set. It was not, Archer told the Better Business Bureau in a subsequent complaint. It looked about the same as it had before.  

As of now, the BBB has received three complaints about the Fender Mender from consumers who learned of him via Hoffman’s column. Also, it seems that Adams is not licensed, despite his claim. He can’t be. There is no such thing as a body-work repairman’s license. 

Eight months after her run-in with him, Archer has still not received a full refund and is pondering rounding up a few other dissatisfied customers and suing the Fender Mender in county court. That shouldn’t be hard, as a perusal of the online comments beneath the second of Hoffman’s columns attests. (Samples: “Luke is a scammer”; “HE RUINED THE FINISH ON MY LEXUS…”; “[I] am going to the police”; and “KEN, YOU NEED TO TAKE HIM OFF YOUR SITE.”)

For his part, Hoffman tells us that he has no plans to run a follow-up column updating readers on the Fender Mender’s recent exploits. “That’s a difficult line to cross,” he claimed. “Luke told me he has a wife and kids, and I don’t want to destroy the guy. And if, say, a plumber has hundreds of customers, a few of them are going to be unhappy.” 

What about the newspaperman who writes hundreds of columns, you ask? Well, doesn’t he have a wife and kids too? 

An Ode To Houston’s Non-Summer

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“Wet cold” is a Thing.

It is said that Houston has two seasons: summer and non-summer. Our summer is cruel, intolerable, notorious—the sole reason that millions will never consider moving here no matter how good the jobs are. Summer defines us. Not so non-summer. Non-summer is simply glorious, wonderful, and sweet. Otherwise, it is a mystery. 

To understand non-summer, you must begin in August, or nadir-summer, when the grackles begin to molt and stagger as if recovering from a three-day bender. It is then too that the cicadas’ rhythmic roar begins to fade, replaced by the rumble of marching bands of various degrees of musicality. The papers erupt with gridiron-themed headlines about “Depth Charts” and “Quarterback Controversies,” greeted by the same promise of sweet relief that “Pitchers and Catchers Report to Spring Training” does in the winter-weary north. 

In still-summer (September), the church, food, and ethnic festival circuit heats up even as the mercury refuses to fall. Then again, still-summer does bring with it one small consolation: by month’s end, the flood of alarmist screeching from TV weathermen—all that hysteria about storm-fronts off the coast of Africa—has mercifully slowed to a trickle.  

Out and about in urban nature, the sunflowers wither and die as beautyberries erupt in purple-red glory along the Arboretum’s trails. Pecan branches sag under the weight of our state nut and the hordes of acrobatic squirrels who come to feast upon the bounty. To walk beneath a pecan tree in early non-summer is to suffer near-constant aerial bombardment from creatures with the table manners of Attila the Hun. They chuckle with glee as they drop half-eaten nuts on what- or whomever is below. 

Also falling from the trees are asps, though more menacingly. These most cuddly-looking wooly caterpillars are also the most venomous in America. Catching one on an unlucky shoulder means a sting that inflicts immediate agony, and after-effects that linger for days. 

So: pecan bombardments and venomous caterpillars in lieu of leaves of glowing red and burnished gold fluttering to the lawn.

And yet non-summer is a marvel. The sky’s blues deepen, losing their whitish tinge of high summer. Clouds of butterflies and migratory hummingbirds tank up on flower-sugar before the great journey over the Gulf. And with that, October arrives, bringing with it six months of glorious weather, a few jarring northers, lows above freezing, and more mysteries. 

How is it possible, for instance, that it can feel colder in Houston than places where snowdrifts are six-feet-high and tongues stick to light poles?

We put that question to quite a few experts, beginning with a woman who has seen more Gulf Coast non-summers than most—the writer’s  grandmother. She has spent all of her 88 years south of I-10, excepting college and wartime.

Grandma is firmly in the Wet Cold Is More Miserable Than Yours camp. In fact, she has been so ever since she was a girl, specifically the moment her father, a marine commander, recounted a conversation he’d had with a pair of Scandinavians aboard his ship.  

“He had these Norwegian girls he was carrying into the Port of Galveston from the depths of the Gulf or somewhere,” Grandma says, building up a head of steam. “It was a cold, sleety, bitter sort of day and they stood out on the deck. And they came inside and told him that they had never been so cold in all their lives. He couldn’t believe it. Norwegians!”

Having traveled a bit ourselves, we have to concur with the Norwegians. We distinctly remember, for instance, the day we wore a parka-vest, short-sleeve ensemble comfortably in 18-degree weather up north, an ensemble that proved woefully inadequate when we landed, later that day, in blustery 40-something Houston. And no, it’s not just a family thing. M. Martin, a Houstonian expat in Portland, says his definition of shirtsleeve weather has downshifted 10 or 20 degrees since moving to the northwest.  Kelly Bishop, meanwhile, who spent her first 34 years in Michigan and Illinois, swears that she never broke out her winter coat there until temps dipped into the 30s. Here, the same dipping finds Bishop donning Uggs, scarf, hat, gloves, and her warmest coat.   

Having acquired a small mountain of anecdotal evidence, we proceed to seek out a scientific explanation for the phenomenon that is Wet Cold. Bishop cuts us off. It’s all psychological, she says. 

“I expect it to be cold in the Midwest. But since Houston is usually warm, if and when it gets cold, it feels worse than it actually is.” 

This woman seems to think Wet Cold is all in our mind. No, we protest. It is a thing. We consult with Amy Prasad, another former Houstonian, who also thinks it’s a thing, or so we think. No, she says. She used to think it was a thing. Why the change? “I moved somewhere cold as shit.” (Baltimore.)

We begin to doubt ourselves. Perhaps Wet Cold is not a thing. Perhaps it is somewhere between Bigfoot and UFOs on the credibility scale. Baloney, in other words, and of a similarly cross-cultural sort. (“I hear it so much on the Prairies,” Canadian climatologist Dave Phillips told the CBC in 2013, referring to the claims of Manitobans, Saskatchewaners, and the like, who apparently never tire of saying things like At least ours is a dry cold, not like that damp cold you have in Ontario. “It’s a myth, there’s nothing to it,” Phillips declared flatly, debunking the received wisdom of whole provinces.) 

Feeling defeated, we molt and stagger into the kitchen of Rich Hornbuckle, another Michigan transplant, and so we expect him to parrot Bishop’s line, which he does for a time.  

Here, “you get these 73-degree December days,” says Hornbuckle, “and then boom, 37 the next day. In the Great Lakes, it is a slow slide down and then a slower ride up, or in other words, an actual change of seasons.” So we’re just imagining things, right?

“I think it is part perception and part ‘wet,’” he says. We are almost obscenely grateful to hear this. Wet is a thing to Hornbuckle, a small thing maybe but still a thing. Of course it is. Think about it. Doesn’t a bottle of wine chill faster in a bucket of ice water than a bucket of ice alone? Absolutely, because the water puts more cold in contact with the bottle. Hornbuckle knows this. He has been in the bar and catering business for decades. 

Furthermore, who is Canada to tell us about Wet Cold? We have weather experts too. We dial Frank Billingsley.

“When there’s wet cold there’s obviously going to be more moisture on your skin and that’s going to make you feel even colder,” says KPRC’s chief meteorologist. Hell, yes. Tell ’em, Frank. “In the summer it works as your body’s air conditioner, and it is giving you an air conditioner in the winter too, and that’s when you want a heater. So that’s why wet cold is just a little more fierce.”

Take that, Dave Phillips. Wet Cold = THING.

“But if anybody ever tells you ‘It’s a dry rain,’” Billingsley says, “that’s when you need to be suspect.”  

Preschool Confidential

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Image: Ryan Snook

No other word strikes fear in the hearts of early childhood administrators, teachers, and parents of 3-year-olds than—Manhattan. That fabled isle where money and insanity meet has many charms, but the blood sport known as preschool admissions is not one of them. And yet, Manhattan is just what Houston is becoming, warns Gabriella Rowe. She should know. The new head of The Village School in the Energy Corridor was, until earlier this year, headmaster of New York’s prestigious Mandell School. 

“I remember the trajectory we were on when preschool education took off in New York 16 or 17 years ago,” Rowe says. “I see the inklings of that here, and in some cases more than the inklings.”

What sort of inklings, you ask? The desperate mothers, their faces panic-stricken, besieging Rowe with questions about whether this or that institution is a feeder school for the city’s top high schools. The hundreds of applications that pour into a preschool with a dozen open slots. The parents who pay tutors top dollar to coach their toddlers on what’s known as the SAT of preschool admission, the Wechsler Preschool and Primary Scale of Intelligence (WPPSI) test.

“If I don’t get them in at preschool,” the thinking goes, “they’re never going to get in anywhere,” explains one mother who asked not to be named.

“When things changed we were in a real economic boom and the types of families taking residence in New York and choosing to stay were slightly older, affluent and professional couples who were having children later in life and for whom parenting and education really mattered,” Rowe remembers. “I see an awful lot of those couples around Houston today.”

“The increase in application load in huge,” confirms Alexandra Orzeck, assistant director of the Esperanza School in the Heights, noting that mothers regularly call her to reserve spots in the school before they’re even pregnant. “Three or four years ago, maybe 20 percent of applicants were looking to get into the top tier schools in Houston. Now, I’d say that 30 or 40 percent think that if their kid is not in one of these schools by three years old, they’re not going to Harvard. They’ve lost their chance in life.”

Whither the hysteria? Houston is growing faster than any city in the country, its economy attracting well-off families from all over. With more families comes more students and with students more competition for a limited number of preschool slots. And fanning the flames of competition is the WPPSI, which has morphed from being a psychological test for detecting learning differences into a de facto entrance exam.  

Blame the change on a perfect storm of sorts: preschools overwhelmed by applications and a parent population that both values high educational achievement and has the means to pay for it. Almost overnight, preschool has gone from being a choice to a necessity, one that can make or break friendships, end marriages, inspire bribery, and—not incidentally—make some people a lot of money.

“It sounds ridiculous,” Rowe says, “but unfortunately it’s real.”

Another administrator, who requested anonymity, puts it more bluntly. “I deal with moms that have so much anxiety—so much anxiety—that sometimes I have to distance myself, even on a phone call. They’re all freaking out.”

Things have gotten so bad, say administrators, that some schools have started requiring parents to sign a waiver saying that their children have not been prepped for the WPPSI. (Schools say that the test will not accurately assess children’s readiness for preschool if they have been coached.) But they’re doing it anyway, hiring tutors or logging onto websites like testingmom.com, says Neha Gupta, CEO of Elite Private Tutors. Her business has increased 150 percent in recent years, she says, as parents scramble to ensure their preschoolers’ lifelong success. Invariably, her clients are stay-at-home moms for whom parenting is a full-time job. Make no mistake, though. These are not the domestic goddesses of days gone by. 

“The moms I spend time with…they’re competitive about everything,” says Gupta, adding that social media has only served to fan the flames. “They work out two hours a day, they’re intense, and all of these women are very smart and very sharp. They had careers before.”

What kind of career, we ask?

“Banking, law, architecture,” Gupta says.

And now the kids are their career?

“Bingo,” she says.

“People are concerned. They want to know if they should go to the school’s galas before and donate a lot of money. I’ve heard that from numerous families.”

Gupta has seen a new tactic of late. 

“People will get letters of recommendation from really important people about their 4-year-old.” (Who does the recommending, one wonders, and what do they have to recommend?)

Amid the insanity, some preschools have made their peace with a new reality, accepting letters of recommendation and the like. Others remain adamantly opposed to such elaborate efforts, arguing that to take part in the competition is to further it. Change, these stalwarts say, will only occur when we stop asking 4-year-olds to sit still and learn mind-numbing WPPSI puzzles, and start letting them finger paint and make mistakes they can actually learn from.  

“I do believe in the WPPSI and I have no problem saying that,” Gupta says, not surprisingly, given that she tutors kids in it. “I think moms are exhausted and there’s nothing wrong with outsourcing. Besides, if I’m a top school and I have hundreds of applicants and I only have 25 spots in my grade, why would I take a kid who is difficult to deal with?”

“Here’s what I tell parents,” says Rowe. “I get it, you want your child to win a world championship in robotics. Then they need to take apart the radio, they need to put the basket on their head, and come up with a different way to use it. I can give you the exact connection—how hearing moves to listening, which moves to reading, which moves to writing—and how that is going to be quantified in standardized test scores, and ultimately in real creative problem solving. 

“But we still have to do the play.”

A Portrait of the Barber as a Young Man

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David Silva, Barber
David Silva, Barber

“He is a purist,” we are told. 

“He learned his technique by studying in Italy,” speculates another. 

“He is more of an artist,” says a third. 

Experts and amateurs alike rain encomiums on David Silva. He has been called a consummate sculptor, a master of technique, perhaps the finest artist the field of depilation has ever known. 

“The beard is the natural suit that every man wears,” the 29-year-old intones calmly, almost lovingly. We receive this while supine in his chair at Traci-Scott Salon on West Gray, grateful for the chance to pay $55 for an old-school shaving experience known as The Brit. “It’s a very personal item that differs in so many ways.”

Over the next hour, Silva will give us what can only be described as a combination spa treatment, massage, and intensely relaxing whisker-cutting, one that is rooted in an age-old masculine craft he believes has been largely lost, thanks to our mad, frenetic, busy-yet-aimless modern lives.  

“During your week,” Silva asks, “how often are you pausing, sitting down, and allowing yourself to feel well?” We do not know what “feels well” feels like, not to mention how we would allow this to happen. We just shake our head. “Amidst the daily grind, especially in a booming town like Houston, there’s always another case or project or deadline.” Yes. “I think we’re losing our ability to take a breath and just be.”

Though you’d never guess it, Silva is something of an accidental virtuoso of the visage. As recently as 2009, the native Houstonian was studying business administration at the American University in Rome. But during his final year he began getting his hair cut by a barber in his inner-city Roman neighborhood by the name of Mario Grasso. Like many Italian barbers, Grasso, a jovial middle-aged man from Sicily, ran his studio alone and swore off electric tools, relying solely on his hands and scissors. In this way, he proved himself an artisan, a craftsman married to an ancient craft, and—perhaps most importantly—not subject to the limitations of the Italian power grid. As soon as he sat in Grasso’s chair, Silva sensed that he was in for a life-changing experience, a makeover that would go far beyond his ’do. 

“He was always in motion—glancing, looking, moving, rotating, almost like a fluid boxer or a dancer,” Silva fondly recalls. “It was if he had a 360 view of my head even if he was working one side.”

As if that weren’t enough, Grasso typically performed all of the above while singing and dancing to the radio and conversing fluidly with his subject. At the end of the cut the two men would chat further over a cup of espresso. Before leaving, the bond between barber and client would often be sealed with a hug goodbye. 

“Each person left feeling like a friend, knowing they had that point of reference in the neighborhood,” Silva says. “Being able to say ‘that’s the guy that takes care of my look, that’s the guy that makes me feel refreshed, that’s the guy that knows my head better than I do’—that was the feeling coming out of Mario’s studio.” 

It was the sort of feeling that leads a man to announce he is casting aside all thoughts of business administration in favor of barbering. Back stateside, Silva bought a mirror and a pair of scissors, and began offering free haircuts to friends and family while he learned his trade (donations accepted). It quickly became obvious that Silva was something of a pompadour prodigy, and for a while he served a further apprenticeship as an assistant at Traci-Scott. It was only a matter of time, however, before he would go full Grasso and recreate the classic Italian shave for his American clients. Cue more trips to the finest parlors of London, Paris, and Rome. 

“In London we found a luxurious and exquisite tradition in the English style,” says Silva, plausibly enough. “In Paris we found the spa experience of the French very aromatic, with lots of subtle, sensual touches. In Rome, it came down to earth and became an old, traditional barbershop experience, very masculine, very warm.”

His mentors’ influences are everywhere evident in Silva’s technique, but it is to the Italian masters that he returns again and again. This spring, after stumbling upon a YouTube video of a Milanese barber at work, Silva was spellbound and booked passage immediately to witness “the best I’ve ever seen.” The barber in question was the great Francesco Cirignotta of Milan, who had apparently not been known as the great Francesco Cirignotta of Milan, judging by the alarm he felt at being tracked down by a rabid internet fan. Still, he quickly recovered, declared that he was honored, and embraced Silva as a mentee. 

“We both share a desire to go back to the root of shaving, to practice the craft with the precision that you no longer find,” says Silva. “He’s a mentor, but he’s also a philosopher.”

Cirignotta’s approach to shaving, as revolutionary as it is simple, was to view each new beard as a puzzle, and one whose solution depends on everything from the density and quality of strands of hair (fine vs. thick, curly vs. straight) to the elasticity of a man’s skin. (Beard-cutting, Silva insists, is as much about skin as hair.) As he stares down at us with his artist’s eye, we suddenly feel like Mona Lisa being inspected by Leonardo, Whistler’s mother posing for her son, a water lily looking up at Monet. More to the point, we are, announces the artist, an “eight or nine out of ten” in terms of beard density. Leaping into action, Silva begins by transferring moist heat to the skin and trapping it there with a series of hot towels, hair-softening elixirs, and a cream applied with a brush made out of badger hair. 

The actual shaving commences. Silva’s razor dances across our face in tiny, precise strokes, constantly changing directions. Allow too many hairs to touch the blade, and it can throw off the angle, he says, going against the beard’s natural grain and creating razor burn. Still, after an hour-long session that includes an arm and hand massage, our face is smooth and burn-less. The experience will stick with us long into the future, or at least until tomorrow morning’s stubble. 

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Charming Charlie Plans Global Accessories Empire

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Interior rendering of Charming Charlie's New York Flagship, scheduled to open in April 2015.

Less than a decade after Charlie Chanaratsopon opened his first Charming Charlie in Houston, the hyper-affordable jewelry and accessories store has announced big plans for New York and beyond.

The first Charming Charlie in New York is scheduled to open in April 2015, and it isn't just any retail location. The store will be a three-level, 16,000-square-foot flagship on Fifth Avenue at 39th Street, a chain store shopping mecca surrounding Herald Square.

Evening clutches and statement jewels from the Charming Charlie Crown Jewels Collection, $13 to $29

The store will inaugurate the brand's new retail concept, with "a two-story, 30 foot tall glass facade with an LED illuminated exterior that adds vivid color and movement to the storefront, 20 foot tall double doors in the brand's signature vibrant pink lacquer, and a classic residential-style interior that mixes feminine, mid-century accents with luxe materials and whimsical details," designed by Callison Architects, according to a press release.

This week Charming Charlie also opened the company's first two international stores in Canada's Ontario province, with more Canadian stores in British Columbia forthcoming. A new international licensing agreement means that additional stores are planned for the Middle East, with locations in United Arab EmiratesSaudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain, and Oman opening in 2015.

“Where I think we have an opportunity is 5,000 stores globally,” Chanaratsopon told Forbes in a 2013 interview.

Currently Charming Charlie operates 330 stores in 42 states, and last year Forbes estimated the value of the company at $1 billion, with $400 million in annual sales (now $500 million), and Chanaratsopon's personal net worth at half a billion dollars. 

Not bad for the first 10 years.

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Meet the Santa Wrangler

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Bill Wiatrak, Santa Wrangler
Bill Wiatrak, Santa Wrangler

Bill Wiatrak used do a killer Santa. He didn’t go for Santa realness, growing his own beard and the like. No, he was a funny Santa, with a magical Christmas show, and a hugely popular one, so we hear. There was just one problem. “I hated wearing that beard,” he says—the fake one. “As much as I loved playing the character, I’ll wait until I get old and fat to do it again.” 

For years after Wiatrak hung up his beard, people begged him to bring Santa back. The answer was always no—“unless they pay me one trillion dollars,” the 53-year-old says in his best Doctor Evil voice, taking a swig of Guinness at West Alabama Ice House. 

Which is not to say that Wiatrak, who’s been in the entertainment and event biz for around three decades, has dumped Christmas altogether. Far from it. Incredible Events, his Pearland-based company, keeps a roster of 20-plus real-bearded Santas on hand for holiday happenings—along with some elves, Mrs. Clauses, reindeer, snowmen, even a Grinch with “an incredible custom nose.” Want real snow? An ice rink? Animals for your nativity scene? No problem. But be warned: “There’s only like three camels in Houston,” he says, and they’re booked weekends through the end of the month.

We ask Wiatrak who makes a good Santa. “Do you know how I find most of my Santas? I say, ‘Oh my God, that guy looks like Santa Claus!’” he tells us, motioning to an imagined Santa at an empty picnic table nearby. Then he approaches, introducing himself as a “Santa pimp” with gigs that pay good money at country clubs, parties, neighborhood events, schools, churches, and the occasional department store. If the recruit comes on board, Wiatrak will teach him the dos and don’ts of Santahood.

Santas should be funny, for instance. If a kid tells Santa her name is Eileen, Santa should say, “Oh, you might try corrective shoes.” That sort of thing. Santa should also have a backstory. “He should know where he comes from,” says Wiatrak, as well as “who he’s married to, what his reindeers’ names are, his longitude and latitude, what he eats and drinks, does during his spare time, what kind of cookies he likes. Kids will ask you. He needs to know everything there is to know.” That includes the songs. “He needs to know ‘Rudolph,’ ‘Jingle Bells,’ ‘Frosty the Snowman.’ Nobody knows ‘Frosty the Snowman,’ but learn it.”

“Santa needs to have some stories,” Wiatrak explains, still not done. “‘Let me tell you what happened with Rudolph,’” he says, going into character. “‘It was a crazy thing. We were in Vegas, and—’” 

Oh, he has to know magic too. “Santa is magical,” he reminds us. “There’s no way you can do the stuff he does without magic. And everybody loves magic.” He pauses. “Except ex-girlfriends of magicians. They hate magic.”

Santa needs nice teeth, professionally bleached if necessary—who knew?—the right glasses, a clean suit, and “a real nice belt—not a crappy one.” He can have either a natural belly or a good prosthetic, but pillow use is verboten. (Even a thin Santa is better than a pillow, apparently.) 

What else? Oh, right: the beard. “That’s the first thing kids are going to go for,” Wiatrak says, “especially teenagers.” You’re not real, they’ll announce, and yank the thing off. After a few years of playing Santa, he swears you can tell on sight whether a kid is going to go for it. 

In the end, people just want a Santa as real as the real thing. Hence the preference for the classic look. “Today I had a little person over,” Wiatrak says, pulling out his phone and showing us a photo of the guy. “His name is Roger, and he has a great little white beard. He does a good Santa’s elf. But Roger wants to be Santa Claus. The thing I told him is, some people want an elf Santa, but it’s not a big market.”

Society of Friends(wood)

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Image: Dan Page

In Friendswood, there were roads made of crushed shells instead of gravel—and these shell roads ran off the main roads. I had a friend who kept horses in the barn next to her house, and would often see her riding one of them along the shoulder of the highway. I remember one Easter morning church service, held outdoors, when a goat ambled along during a prayer and started eating the lilies. Friendswood is larger now, the shell roads mostly gone, but when I go back to visit, it still feels like a very particular small town. 

I’ve lived in New York City for most of my adult life, and at dinner parties when I am teased about some general notion of Texas (big hair, oilmen, politics), I always want to say that Texas is complicated, that Friendswood can’t be summed up in a phrase, but by then the conversation has rushed on. That’s partly why I wrote a novel set in the place where I grew up. All the broader ideas about Texas miss the textures and music of a place like Friendswood. There’s a stereotype that Texans are always bragging, full of bravado, but as the writer Bret Anthony Johnston recently put it, living in a vast state, with its vast sky, can actually make you feel quite small. That’s the kind of paradox that makes Friendswood its particular self—there’s a lot of hometown pride, sure (go Mustangs!), but also a kind of humility, a reverence for the ways in which people are connected.

The details are important because the integrity of a place comes from the color and cast of all these tiny pieces. It was members of the Religious Society of Friends— Quakers—who founded Friendswood in 1895, and their church (not a meeting house, as it might be called elsewhere), is in the middle of town, its old pale brick and grassy graveyard standing like a testament to the past. When my family first moved to Friendswood in 1978, teachers still had to sign a contract promising not to drink alcohol or smoke, in keeping with local Quaker practices, and the city was dry. Until 1965, no dancing was allowed in the schools, and the first prom was a hard-won battle. The original Friends of Friendswood had come seeking religious freedom and prosperity, and for many years the town’s main revenue came from rice farms and fig orchards. 

Shortly after NASA arrived nearby, in the early ’60s, Friendswood’s population began to grow rapidly, and there was apparently some tension in town as the outsiders started moving in—engineers, college professors, scientists. Through it all, though, the town has retained the disciplined, practical traditions of the original Friends, it seems to me. 

As I wrote Friendswood, several memories seemed key to the essence of the place, and so, in one way or another, they became part of the story. The junior high I attended had once been the only school for grades 1 to 12. There was a particular musty smell to the auditorium, of old wood and decades of children’s sweat. There were ancient wads of gum hardened on the floor and names and initials scratched into the backs of the wooden seats. I used to study those markings and wonder how long they’d been there, if they’d been inscribed by the older brother or sister of someone I knew, perhaps by someone who was already dead. 

We came to Friendswood when my dad was appointed minister at Hope Lutheran Church, a small congregation in town. During services, I would often watch people’s faces in the pews and wonder what they were thinking, if the words in the sermon had helped them through their troubles, or if they were daydreaming. I sometimes stood with my dad in his robes at the door after church, chatting with the police chief, the city councilman, the third-grade teacher, and I felt as if I knew these adults in a way other kids didn’t. Given his station, my dad was often called to serve at funerals, and from a very young age I could feel the possibility of death and grief beneath the sunny, peaceful surface of things.

We lived in a remote subdivision, and it was a long bike ride to downtown Friendswood to see our friends. We wound our way through oil fields on hot, shade-free paths, and rushed to get past that part of the ride, past odd-looking equipment that resembled small spaceships, or fenced-in modern sculptures. 

I discovered country music in Friendswood, and more than anything else, that was the music of my youth. One night on the way home from softball practice, the mothers of two of my friends turned up the radio and sang at the top of their lungs, their cigarette-rough voices cracking at the high notes. They sang along to some outlaw country song as if they were really the outlaws, not Waylon Jennings or Willie Nelson. I’d never seen women sing like that before. And at every single high school dance, we did the two-step, partly because there wasn’t anything to invent in those steps and turns, and so it was easier for the awkward boys to master. Plus, it wasn’t just a young person’s dance. The two-step came with history. 

There are other legacies in Friendswood, the dozens of homecoming parades and football games that came before. Some of my former teachers are still there at the high school, and they’re teaching my classmates’ children now. People feel rooted to the place in a way that might seem quaint or narrow to some, but in a world where so few people feel rooted to anything anymore, it seems to me a rare gift. 

Sometimes I feel that rootedness even from a distance. My friend Dannielle works in the film and TV business in LA now, but her parents still live in town, and sometimes she calls to catch me up on local news. And the Wranglerettes drill team (I was once a member) was invited to march in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. When I saw a photo of a current Wranglerette in costume, I immediately recognized the wide white belt and remembered it cinching my waist like a corset, how it felt to do a high kick wearing that hard leather at my middle.

 A lot of people move to New York to escape their small-town origins, and there’s a pressure to reject anything that’s not cosmopolitan, to ignore it even, but it’s a writer’s job to pay attention to things, and Friendswood merits as much attention as anyplace else. I wanted to write about how it felt to live there, even if some of the stories are sad. 

During one visit, my friends and I talked about the Southbend subdivision just outside of town, where some residents became sick because it was built too near an old oil refinery and a field laden with petroleum-related chemicals, and so had to be demolished. Newspaper articles in the ’90s conveyed the catastrophe in only the most general terms, leaving me to imagine the story’s details, the ghost town of the abandoned subdivision, the worry and guilt of a mother who’d let her daughter play in the field, the willingness of Friendswood neighbors to take in those who’d lost their homes.

Last Christmas, I went to a party in Friendswood with a bonfire in the backyard, beer and Mexican food on the screened-in porch. Thirty of my old classmates were there, some of whom I hadn’t seen for 20 years, but we recognized one another, had things to say. I’d look into the face of someone I’d known since I was nine, and see all the other faces layered there beneath it: the child’s face, the teenager’s face, the young adult’s face, and all the stories that trailed along. 

I saw a friend there who now owns a successful building company, and in a moment I remembered the kind thing he’d said in sixth-grade English class to defend me against the teacher, the day his father died in an accident, the raucous party outside his house when a fight broke out, the photograph he took of my little brother as a bat boy, his witty speech at awards day, and the time, in our 20s, when he defended me against a drunk. His laugh was the same, his smile too, but here he was, a middle-aged man. Being back in Friendswood always plunges me into time. I feel it there as much as the sky or the heat or the shade of the trees. 

Up From the Depths

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Sabrina Galloway, Shrimper
Image: Killy
Sabrina Galloway, Shrimper

Sabrina Galloway inadvertently glances at the cabin floor of the Mr. Anthony, and then its splintered wooden walls and broken windows. “I promise it used to look much prettier than this,” she says of her family’s shrimp boat. The 20-year-old gently grips the steering wheel, lightly scraping the wood with her fingernails. 

It is a bizarrely hot, sunny day in late October and Galloway is in her usual spot, the spot she first stood in when she was 8, back when she had to climb atop a milk crate to steer, the spot she was in on that day this August when the Mr. Anthony flipped over twice, taking her father’s life and trapping her for four hours in a small compartment under the deck. She was somewhere near the engine, covered in diesel fuel. Now the slightest whiff of the stuff—from the exhaust pipes of golf carts patrolling the UH campus, say, where she is a sophomore majoring in education—brings it all back. 

“Hey, turkey birds. Time to get up.” 

It’s the voice of her dad, Ronnie. He is trying to wake up two of his children, Sabrina and Cody, who are asleep at the front of the boat. “Time to go shrimping.” The sun is rising but Sabrina isstill recovering fromher first wake-up call, at 2:30 a.m., when the trio left their Old River home for the north end of Galveston Bay.  

“It made me happy, making my dad proud doing something he loved,” says Galloway, back in the present, but only for a moment. Soon she is remembering their first real shrimping excursion together.  

She is 15 and not one of the deckhands has shown up. It will only be her and her dad that day, but together they will pull in 2,200 pounds of shrimp. 

“From that day on, I loved being out on the water. I was the only girl—pretty much ever—out here.” After that, Galloway spent most of her summers working with her father; not that it ever felt like work. “My dad was my best friend.…Being on the water was something that he loved, so I loved it.”

They see some rain coming, so the shrimpers buckle down and prepare for it. The day could not be hotter, but there’s a strong wind too. Sabrina begs her 13-year-old brother Cody to come over and do the Titanic pose. 

When the rain started, Galloway was unfazed. “Dad always said, ‘That’s not something to worry about,’ in an I’ll-take-care-of-you sort of way. So, that’s how I always felt.” 

Lightning streaks across the sky, and Sabrina picks up her phone, intending to take photos, when she notices that the boat is tipping into the water. A second later, it capsizes. Sabrina obeys when her dad shouts for her to grab onto a window. She feels her feet dangle as Ronnie makes his way to the back of the cabin. He finds the door, but before he can open it the boat flips again. Cody manages to break a window and Sabrina shoves him through the opening, but before she can pull herself through, she gets hit in the face by something and falls.

“My hand touched an opening. I thought it was the door, so I pulled myself in, and it was total darkness.” It was somewhere she’d never been before, somewhere near the cabin, which was now entirely full of water. “I went to swim down, to see if there was an opening down below, and when I went to come back up, a rope had gotten caught around my neck….I started breathing in the water. And, I was like, I guess this is it.” 

She freed herself from the rope and shouted for her panicked brother—she could hear but not see him—and discovered that her dad had yet to resurface. “I knew that he was still somewhere in the boat. There was no way in the world Dad would’ve left me.”  

Galloway dived down toward the cabin to try again to swim out, and when she did, “I thought someone grabbed me. And I screamed. And I turned towards it, and I could feel him. And it just kind of floated away. And I was like, there’s no way that was Dad.” 

She swims back to the darkened room, momentarily considers slitting her wrists on something so Cody won’t have to hear his sister screaming for oxygen and drowning. I don’t want my brother to hear me die, she thinks. But discovering her dead would be worse. No, she thinks, I won’t give up.

Eventually, Cody flagged down Steve Auld Jr., a commercial fisherman and off-duty fireman, who called 911 and his own firehouse. Auld got as near as he could and tried to calm Galloway. Then she heard “a whoosh, and the water started rising. And I lost my mind.” But she felt a peace come over her as she listened to the soothing voice of the fireman, a stranger who’s now one of her closest friends; she introduces him to everyone as her rescuer, like that’s his title. It wouldn’t be long before the Port of Houston Fire Department would cut her out of the Mr. Anthony

She and Cody are being transported to a hospital by ambulance. He gets 35 stitches. Sabrina’s blood is found to have a high concentration of carbon monoxide and she spends 12 hours on oxygen. The following afternoon, just as she is being discharged from the hospital, a call comes from the search team made up of her grandfather, cousins, and friends: her father has been found in his cabin. 

Eight days later, the boat was turned right-side-up and drained. The engine had somehow emerged unscathed, so once the soot and debris were cleared away and the hole Galloway had been pulled through patched, the Mr. Anthony was seaworthy again.

Which was important for Sabrina Galloway, because while she has vivid memories of the treachery of water—she hasn’t yet been able to take a bath, and even showering was difficult at first—she also knows that it is the thing that will always bind her to her dad, always remind her of their time together. 

“I feel at home on the water. It’s how I grew up.” 

Where Would Houston Be Without the Ship Channel?

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On a recent afternoon, almost 100 years to the day after the Ship Channel’s grand opening, around a hundred people waited in line to board the Sam Houston tour boat for a 90-minute tour, many with cameras around their necks. The mix of locals and out-of-towners included a group of Nigerians in matching shirts clamoring to take photos on the ship’s deck, smiling wide as we sailed along. On another part of the boat, a young woman with a young man who appeared to be her date told us they’d made the trek after Googling “free stuff to do in Houston.” 

As it turns out, tens of thousands of people board the Sam Houston every year, a fact that seemed—we’ll admit it—a little surprising to us, as we stood on deck shielding our eyes from the sun, watching pelicans and seagulls soar past enormous container ships flying international flags, refineries, piles of steel, warehouses full of God knows what. Down below, we saw the occasional plastic bag float by underwater, ghostlike. 

“It’s so ugly,” said a woman in a Texas A&M T-shirt to her companion. “Houston is just not a pretty city.” Even as we sailed it, however, the Channel felt unknowable, strange, and foreign—and thus oddly beautiful in its way, especially on a clear day. We passed a few other vessels and a couple of workers in orange uniforms, but overall there was a sense of quiet, and so we were moved to contemplate our particular universe, this corner of Houstonia that shouldn’t exist, and wouldn’t if not for a disastrous hurricane, the discovery of oil, and the vision of long-dead city leaders, who created an inland port 52 miles from the sea that now handles nearly 240 million tons of cargo each year, most of it shielded from view.

Where would Houston be, we wondered, without the Ship Channel? We sailed back under the bridge, toward the dock, enjoying the breeze. Our 90 minutes was almost up. 

“Dear Whataburger...”

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Dear Whataburger,

Please come to Boston. I miss you.

As the crow flies, your closest franchise is 1,132 miles away in Yulee, Florida, just south of the Georgia border. I think we can agree this cartographic injustice works for neither of us. It cheats you out of the hungry customers you deserve, and robs me of considerable gastronomic pleasure. But this cry of the heart is about more than self-interest, I assure you.

If your absence goes unrecognized by my fellow New Englanders, it is only because they have no idea of who or what you are. I try to preach the Gospel According to Breakfast Taquitos, but the good news is met only by confused questions—“Is it the same as White Castle?” “What are tacky toes?” This travesty must end. Think of how you might educate the overly-skinny masses of Massachusetts even as you fill out their frames!

Before shipping out to Boston in late December 2012, I treated myself one final time to a double-meat cheeseburger without any toppings. That’s right, it’s so damn good, it doesn't need all the extra crap. Don't get me wrong—your spicy ketchup is great, but the way your burger's juicy meat melts and mixes with the cheese...

(Sorry, had to take a break from writing. Turns out drool doesn't mix well with ink.) 

I can hear you saying: “If you like us so much, why don't you come back to Texas?” Fair question. Indeed I was furloughed briefly last December and did return home to see my family. Unfortunately, I scheduled the reunion for Christmas morning, stupidly forgetting that all of your franchises are closed then. Hunger fed my idiocy, which in turn fueled my hunger.

Today marks the 49th week since my failed attempt to reconnect. I thank heaven for the genuinely supportive group of fellow New England Whatafans that has helped me through these trying times, however lamely. Like all the other ex-Texans, I somehow eke out an existence anyway, though sometimes I’m not sure how. 

Still, I hope you won’t think my own privation has clouded my judgment. I truly believe your culinary gifts would be received warmly by a whole new generation of taste buds here, despite the poor taste represented by Carolinas barbecue and Red Sox baseball.

Yours,

Andrew Husband

All Dogs Go to Heaven

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To neighbors in his Los Angeles suburb, Michael Potter’s dog Apollo was affectionately known as The Mayor. A 65-pound blue merle Australian Shepherd, he was great with kids and the elderly, didn’t require a leash on trails, seemed to put almost everyone at ease (yes, cats included), and had his own regularly updated Facebook page, complete with photos and the latest dog-related news. Still, Apollo’s most distinctive feature may have been his piercing blue eyes, which were, Potter wrote in a eulogy, “constantly tracking and counting the movements of all people and animals as they floated in and out of the house and the various rooms.” 

In March, at age seven, Apollo lost a battle with lymphoma after multiple rounds of “canine chemo,” as his owner put it. The Potter family was devastated. They couldn’t get their beloved dog with the strangely human eyes out of their minds. 

“Hours after he left this world,” continued Potter’s eulogy, “we were all able to witness the most remarkable full moon in recent memory. We were not Apollo’s owners, but it was as if he had simply beckoned our family to join him on his short but memorable journey.”

Wanting Apollo to continue said journey while staying true to his NASA-ish roots, the Potter family has turned to Houston’s Celestis Pets, which bills itself as the world’s first memorial spaceflight company. As the website puts it, “they give us their unfailing friendship; how better to remember them than by sending them on one final journey through the heavens?”

To be honest, it was news to us that friendship might best be commemorated by sending the remains of one’s friend into space. Or rather a small part of the remains—one capsule-filled gram, to be exact. At a cost of between $995 and $12,500—depending on whether you want your pet’s remains to scratch the surface of space, temporarily orbit the earth, land on the moon, or disappear into deep space—Celestis will take a wee sample of your pet and rocket it from a New Mexico launch site into outer space, where man’s best friend will presumably float along like a plastic bottle in the ocean of eternity. (In case you’re wondering, Celestis also has a branch that launches human remains into the heavens.) 

Some might view the Potters’ decision to blast their dog into the stratosphere as extravagant or dangerous, given private space flight’s recent record. The hope, said Michael Potter, is that the launch (now scheduled for fall 2015) will bring comfort and closure to the living. 

We wondered, though: is this what Apollo would have wanted? 

“He was always an adventuresome dog, so I think he’d be up for it,” said Potter confidently. “Now
we can think of him as a shooting star.”

Social Media Finally Turns on Itself

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Fed up with all those U-Hauls arriving daily, unloading throngs of new residents, those upstarts hijacking our freeways, seizing our parks, overrunning our brunch spots? It’s okay. There’s an app for that now.

Rushing to our aid and promising a “temporary respite from the masses” is something called Avoid Humans, part of the latest trend in social media applications, which is to say antisocial media. Scott Brewer, creative director of Austin’s GSD&M ad agency, explains: 

“It’s kind of our annual project to do something tech-related for South by Southwest to welcome the masses,” he says of the Avoid Humans app, which his firm created for the Austin festival, then expanded to Houston and other major cities. “This year’s theme was overcrowded-ness. The running joke was, no one could find a place to go out.”

The idea is simple. The app compiles data from Foursquare and Instagram check-ins so as to warn users about the crowd levels at restaurants, bars, coffee shops, and parks, labeling them either green (agoraphobics welcome), yellow (judgment call), or red (run!).

Of course, Houston isn’t as dense as Austin, so location data isn’t as reliable as it might be elsewhere. Still, a trial run suggests that Avoid Humans has its virtues. It helped us grab a quick lunch at the usually-hectic-but-not-that-day Chipotle near our Heights office (green); pointed us in the direction of a not-empty-not-packed happy hour at Pastry War (yellow); and steered us away from the post-work rush on the Buffalo Bayou Bike Trail (red). And yes, we know that some of this stuff is obvious. We didn’t need to be told that the MFAH is sparsely populated at 2 on a Tuesday or that every bar within 10 miles of downtown will flash red on a Saturday night. Still, Avoid Humans has its potential.

 “It’s only flawed in that it relies heavily on the user check-in data, but we’ve found the Foursquare data is particularly strong,” Brewer says. In the loop, that is. “The center of any city is better. I wouldn’t take it out to Spring and expect it to work as strongly.”


December’s Perfect Party

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From top left: Doug Abernethy, Pam Erwin, Gwendolyn Climmons-Johnson, Claudia Acuña, Chris Kinjo, Robert A. Pruitt, Kay Stevens, Lance Berkman
From top left: Doug Abernethy, Pam Erwin, Gwendolyn Climmons-Johnson, Claudia Acuña, Chris Kinjo, Robert A. Pruitt, Kay Stevens, Lance Berkman

As 2014 comes to a close, change—welcome or not—is on our mind, and we aren’t the only ones, it seems. Doug Abernethy and the team at Radio One, where he’s regional vice president, made a change we mourned mightily—the yanking of news station 92.1—although we’ll admit to digging the 2.0 version, Boom 92’s classic hip-hop playlist. It was change of a more tragic sort that befell Pam Erwin and her husband Jimmy. The 2010 death of their 24-year-old son inspired them to create the new Will Erwin Headache Research Fund in his memory in an effort to cure migraines, an underfunded research area. Gwendolyn Climmons-Johnson, charged with stealing $400,000 in a scam involving bogus lawsuits, found herself facing a life-changing sentence, indeed: life in prison. Claudia Acuña, the Chilean singer who made a name for herself transforming jazz standards into something very much her own, performs at the Wortham, Dec. 6. Chris Kinjo, MF Sushi chef/owner, and his brother/partner Alex shuttered one of the city’s top new restaurants (see October’s Houstonia), leaving fans wondering what their MF problem was. Robert A. Pruitt and his cohorts at Otabenga Jones & Associates, the Houston-based art collective, were inspired by that great time of change, the civil rights era, in creating their critically acclaimed New York City installation—a sawed-in-half, pink ’59 Caddy that broadcast interviews and music in a Brooklyn park. Kay Stevens went from enthusiastic Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo volunteer to recipient of the rodeo’s Pearl Award for extraordinary dedication. And Lance Berkman made a transition of his own, from Major League Baseball player, mostly with the Astros, to student at Rice, where he’ll complete the kinesiology degree he began working toward in the ’90s. Now everybody sing along: “To everything turn, turn, turn...”

Single Bright Females

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In 1996, June Ressler, a mother of three with a law degree, had the dream of starting her own energy consulting firm. “I didn’t know anything about the industry,” she tells us. “I thought you got gas by turning your heater on.” But Ressler forged ahead anyway, creating a company around her kitchen table, a company known as Cenergy, a company that would help her support her kids through divorce and remarriage— and one that last year made $280 million. “It’s insanity,” she says from her bursting-at-the-seams office off Hwy 290.

At first, “it probably was difficult for some of my clients to think I would know anything about a drilling engineer or a geologist or a rig supervisor.” (Among other things, Cenergy places professionals with specialized knowledge in projects that require their expertise.) But “as the oil field has evolved and procurement is in place,” Ressler adds, “they don’t care who you are, they just want the best price.” So, the energy industry is completely gender-blind? Uh, no. “I’ve had several [male] employees that just couldn’t handle me being their boss,” Ressler admits with a shrug. “It just didn’t work out. There’s nothing I can do about that.” 

Edna Nelson has experienced her share of sexism in the workplace, telling us that she once walked out of a meeting after a man confused Nelson’s male assistant for her boss, and she was asked to fetch coffee. These days, no one confuses her for anything but the head of Richland Investments, not least because she insists that the 25 employees of her commercial real estate firm—of which her older sister is one—call her Mrs. Nelson. “It gives a definition of who’s the boss,” says Nel— Mrs. Nelson. 

She has wanted to be the boss since at least 1993, back when “it was so difficult to make the good old boys understand that a woman wanted to start a business.” In the wake of a divorce and a 21-year career in banking, she started Richland anyway, building a company that took in close to $25 million in 2012, according to the Houston Business Journal.

As reported in a study released earlier this year, the number of women-owned businesses in Houston increased by 52 percent from 2002 to 2014, making us one of the top five metro areas in the nation in that regard. The Women-Owned Businesses Report goes on to say that the Houston area’s 178,500 such companies experienced a 112 percent increase in revenue during the same period. The report did not say how many of those businesses were run by meek women who have a problem speaking frankly, but it’s a safe bet that the number is a small one.  

“I know my reputation out there,” says Nelson with a smile and wink, “that I’m a little hard to deal with. But if I give you my word and tell you something’s going to happen, it does.” A man who is blunt is just a man who knows what he wants. But a woman, well, “sometimes you get that little B word,” says Nelson with a smile and shrug remarkably similar to Ressler’s. 

For her part, Donna Fujimoto Cole has done her share of shrugging too in the more than three decades since starting her own chemical company. Like Nelson, a divorce was the catalyst, that and the need to support her 4-year-old daughter. It was while working in an administrative capacity at GoldKing Chemical Intl. that she learned much of what she needed to start Cole Chemical, which last year made $78 million in revenue. Along the way, she learned to ignore the men who doubted her. You probably don’t even know how to spell diethanolamine, one told her. I just don’t see how you’ll be successful. Another refused to sell her stock in a company “because I was a woman,” she says, and “worst of all, a Japanese woman.” (By the way, when Cole—who is Japanese-American—walked out of that particular meeting, more than one man went with her.) 

Cole knows that unlike her rivals, she will never be able to “entertain customers at certain places”—strip clubs, in other words—but that’s one of the few ways in which she can’t compete. “Being a woman is a double-edged sword. I was able to get a meeting that a man couldn’t get because the man on the other side of the line wanted to see what the woman looked like.” 

So: three women, three success stories in industries dominated by men. Each have had men who helped them along the way, who mentored them, promoted them, or just believed in their wild ideas. And each too has known men who were impediments, men they had to ignore, shrug off, walk out on. Do they consider themselves feminists, we wondered? “No, I don’t think so,” Nelson tells us. She likes a man to get the car door, and “I enjoyed somebody lighting my cigarette”—back when she smoked, that is.

“Yeah,” says Cole. She thinks a moment. “Yeah.”

“I’m quietly asserting myself as a woman,” Ressler says, “so I would say yes.” 

Any advice for female entrepreneurs of the future? “Be determined,” says Nelson. “Show tenacity. Don’t be afraid of taking chances.” 

“You have to have a good attorney, CPA, insurance person, and a banker,” says Cole, “and besides that you need to figure out if you’ve got the drive and the guts to have your own business.” Also: “Ethics and values go a long way.”  

“Use your maiden name, don’t take on any married name,” says Ressler. “Be fearless.”  

Is This Man the Greatest Living Native American Artist?

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One afternoon in the spring of 1973, Ronald Anderson was driving west on Highway 64, somewhere near Shiprock, New Mexico on the vast Navajo Indian reservation, when a mysterious urge prompted him to hit the brakes and bring his Chrysler station wagon to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. While checking his rearview mirror to make sure there were no approaching cars, Anderson noticed a dirt road branching off the highway that he’d never seen before. He put the Chrysler in reverse and backed up until he could see the street sign: Rattlesnake Road.

Intrigued, he followed it until he reached a hogan, a traditional Navajo home made of logs and mud. The hogan’s roof had partially caved in and it looked abandoned, but it was beginning to rain, so Anderson went inside seeking shelter. There, he lit a fire for warmth, said an Indian prayer—he had been born in Oklahoma to a full-blooded Choctaw father and a half Chickasaw mother—and lay down to take a nap. Sometime in the night he had a vision in which the door to the hogan opened, letting in 12 Navajo men who arranged themselves in a circle around the fire. One of them rolled a cigarette, lit it from the fire, and passed his pouch of tobacco to the other Indians, who did the same. 

Then, between drags on his cigarette, the Smoking Man began telling Anderson his future. He prophesied that the artist, a painter who was already developing a reputation for intense, politically engaged works influenced by both Abstract Expressionism and traditional Native American art, would one day teach art at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. He said that Anderson’s work would be exhibited in New York museums. He said people would come along to help him when he least expected it. 

But all he foretold came with a catch—the artist could not sell any of his art until the year 2000. With that, the vision ended, though not before Anderson was given a strange directive by the Smoking Man: “Go change the course of Indian art history.” 

Anderson immediately stopped selling his paintings, as instructed, and one by one the predictions began to come true. First, he found himself teaching art on the Havasupai Indian reservation at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. In 2005, his paintings were included in group shows at Manhattan’s Museum of Arts and Design and the Smithsonian’s National Museum of the American Indian–New York. And yes, Anderson received unexpected help from strangers along every step of his journey. “My life has been just like that ever since,” he recently told me. 

Still, there is one thing that hasn’t come true. Despite all the paintings he’s painted, all the shows he’s had, and all the curators and critics who have hailed his work, Anderson has not changed the course of Indian art history. Now 76 and in the twilight of his career, he’s running out of chances to meet the Smoking Man’s challenge. Perhaps it was inevitable, then, that Anderson would end up in the land of the Allen Brothers and Warren Moon. After all, isn’t Houston the place where—its small Native American community notwithstanding—so many Americans before him had finally found success after struggling elsewhere? Doesn’t this city open its arms wide for newcomers? Didn’t The Daily Beast name it the best town in America for restarting your career? 

Unfortunately, what the Smoking Man did not tell Anderson is that his attempt to jumpstart his career would end in bitter legal wrangling. He didn’t say that the person Anderson entrusted with selling his paintings would be accused of stealing them, or that Anderson would be left without access to his own archive. About all this the Smoking Man said nothing. Which left Anderson totally unprepared when it happened. 

On Fairmont Parkway in Pasadena is a vast warehouse called Uncle Bob’s Self-Storage, its wide corridors lined with roll-up doors painted bright yellow. In one of the warehouse’s hundreds of identical units, a space roughly 20 feet deep and 10 feet wide, sit 1,500 or so paintings and sculptures, the life’s work of a man who may or may not change the course of art history. There is no ceiling to the space, only a canopy of chicken wire through which you can see the roof far above. Paintings of every size and description are stacked 10 or more deep against the walls, with only a single narrow pathway down the middle. In a back corner, shelves are piled high with smaller canvases. Leaning against one wall, next to a waist-high stack of watercolors, is a door accessorized with two foxtails and a mirror. This had once been the back door of Anderson’s porch before he’d taken it off its hinges and turned it into a sculpture called “Before Casinos / After Casinos.”

To understand how Anderson’s paintings got here, indeed how Anderson himself got here, you have to meet a thin, athletic Pasadena man with long black hair named Michael Loneman. Last year, Loneman, the son of Anderson’s best friend, signed a contract with the artist giving Loneman the exclusive right to sell his art. He knew people in Houston, he told Anderson, wealthy and powerful people. And, in fact, he did indeed know such people. He had served drinks to them as a bartender in the VIP sections of the Toyota Center and NRG Stadium. What he did not have was a background in art, however, or much of anything else for that matter, having dropped out of school in the fifth grade. Nevertheless, Loneman seems to have truly believed he was the man to help launch a late-career renaissance for the man he calls “Uncle Ron”—and, not incidentally, pocket a handsome 50-percent commission on every painting sold, as stipulated in a contract the men drew up. 

Anderson trusted Loneman, whom he had known since he was a baby, and he knew that Houston’s art market was booming. After signing their contract at Anderson’s Tennessee farmhouse last December, Loneman returned to Houston and hit the ground running, quitting his bartending job to focus on promoting Anderson’s paintings full-time. Soon, Anderson himself arrived, moving in for a time with Loneman, his wife, and three of the couple’s children. 

The road from bartender to art merchant can be a rocky one, Loneman quickly learned. Normally a man whose sartorial style runs toward jeans and a tank top, he donned a suit and tie and began trekking from gallery to gallery, toting a briefcase full of well-worn exhibition catalogs featuring Anderson’s work. It quickly became clear that none of Houston’s gallerists had ever heard of Anderson, and none were interested in showing his paintings. 

Undeterred, Loneman dipped into his personal savings to hire an art conservator and an appraiser, and launched a website, nativeson.biz. Worried that Anderson’s paintings were moldering away in the Oklahoma storage unit where he was keeping them, Loneman rented a U-Haul van and personally drove them to Uncle Bob’s in Pasadena. The cost to store the art was $500 a month, which turned out to be peanuts compared to his later expenditures. 

“I had never dreamed storing art could be so expensive,” Loneman recently told me. “There was a lot involved—I had to get flood insurance, theft insurance, climate control. That was a rude awakening.” 

Still, the budding impresario remained resolute. He decided that if no local gallery would give Anderson a show, he would do it himself. In May, he mounted his own exhibition of Anderson’s work, renting a space in the chic 4411 Montrose complex adjacent to the well-established galleries of Anya Tish and Barbara Davis. Although it only managed to sell two paintings, and received scant coverage in the local media, the exhibition made an impression on the few visitors who did wander in. One of them was a rumpled-looking local defense attorney named Bill Cheadle. “I was so blown away by the caliber of this art, and just the ability of the art to speak to me,” he said in September, taking a sip of his beer at a silent auction in Midtown in which Anderson was participating. “The guy is truly a genius. On many levels. I just fell in love with the stuff, and told them I’d like to help out any way I could.” 

Cheadle sprang into action, phoning up an old college friend from the University of Texas, Greg Mitchell. A research biologist at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, Mitchell is also a son of the late billionaire oilman George P. Mitchell, the man who founded The Woodlands and pioneered fracking. On one of his frequent trips to Houston, Greg Mitchell stopped by Uncle Bob’s, purchasing a set of four brightly colored Anderson paintings entitled “Day in an Orange Grove.” The works, he told me, reminded him of a night he once spent in an orange grove in Valencia in his twenties.

The details of Ronald Anderson’s early life are both fantastic and unclear. He was born, he told me, in 1938 in a place he knows only as The Deep Hole, on Buffalo Creek in southeastern Oklahoma. As the story was later told to him, Anderson’s parents were unable to raise him, so at two weeks of age he was taken in by a German émigré named Augusta Cursdorf and her American husband. Cursdorf came from a wealthy German family and had been a fixture in European avant-garde circles, apparently counting Kandinsky among her friends. 

In Oklahoma, Augusta channeled her artistic interests into the education of her young charge. Anderson vividly recalls her pulling him in a red wagon around the neighborhood, asking him to sketch trees and houses, and schooling him in abstract art. “I’ve never been without art—it’s always been there,” he said, noting that Cursdorf herself was not as permanent a presence. When Anderson was six she was arrested on suspicion of being a German spy, according to Anderson. He spent the next nine years at Jones Academy, a boarding school for Native Americans in Oklahoma’s Ouachita Mountains.

After graduating high school and serving four years in the Marines, Anderson got married, moved to Los Angeles, and got a job doing drywall construction. Although he continued painting, art took a backseat in his life for the next decade. Then, one day in the early 1970s, he saw a painting of an American Indian in a Rodeo Drive art gallery. Anderson knew instantly that the artist wasn’t an Indian. After all, the painting depicted the Indian in profile, a perspective popularized by Frederic Remington’s paintings. 

“I said to myself, I can do better than that,” Anderson remembered. He quit his construction job, left his wife and four children behind in LA, and lit out for the Indian territories, intending to “spend a year or two going around to reservations, learning their dances, then come back to Rodeo Drive and make a million bucks.” Instead, after making a tour of the reservations, he went to college, earning a degree in art history from the University of Oklahoma. (He later divorced his wife, who got custody of the children.)

Those two educations, one in Native American traditions and one in European art history, set the course for his career. He disdained the stereotypical Indian paintings filled with images of headdresses and tomahawks being sold to tourists in Santa Fe and Taos; he believed that Indian art had to engage with contemporary movements like Abstract Expressionism rather than simply ignoring them, as he saw many of his contemporaries doing. And he brought a sharp political consciousness to his art, which often addressed the long, ugly history of America’s dealings with its native population. 

Other Native American painters were experimenting with abstraction as well, many of them associated with the then-new Institute of American Indian Arts in Santa Fe. But Anderson never quite fit in with that group of celebrated artists, according to Joan Frederick, the author of a book about one of them, T.C. Cannon. “He was kind of always on the fringe. I think it’s just because he wasn’t as business savvy as the others, and he wasn’t as aggressive as they were about the shows.” 

By then, of course, Anderson had experienced his vision in the desert forbidding him to sell his paintings. Instead, he supported himself with the drywalling skills he picked up in LA in the ’60s. For decades, he moved from Indian reservation to Indian reservation, crisscrossing the Southwest, working construction for three months and then painting for three months. He kept his paintings in a self-storage unit in Verden, a small town southwest of Oklahoma City. From time to time he was invited to exhibit his work, at which point he would drive to Verden, load a few paintings in the bed of his pickup, and get them ready for exhibition. For Anderson, that sometimes involved a trip to the local carwash, a practice not recommended by most professional art conservators. “I would take them to a carwash and squirt water on them, and if the paint stays, then it’s good. That was my longevity test.” 

Another Houstonian who fell in love with Anderson’s work was Tom Sheffield, an eminent domain lawyer who admired the paintings so much he invited the artist to live rent-free in his guesthouse in the tony La Porte neighborhood of Morgan’s Point on Galveston Bay. Sheffield ended up buying eight of Anderson’s paintings, which are now prominently displayed in his century-old French Colonial mansion. One of them depicts an American flag partially covered by a black square that evokes an anti-war armband. Written in a careful script inside the square is a list of the US military expeditions that made up the Trail of Tears, next to the number of Indians who died during each. (The Tennessee farmhouse where Anderson created many of his paintings is near the historical route of Trail of Tears. He moved there, he said, to feel closer to the suffering of his ancestors.)

But Sheffield’s favorite work is an eerie painting of a column of spectral, all-white figures marching through a barren forest toward the viewer (see above). The painting exerted a magnetic pull on him from the first moment he saw it. “He wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen that ghost painting,” he told me. “It staggered me—I think it’s frickin’ genius. To me, it’s a universal theme of affliction, and the dominion of force and brutality. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s not sentimental.” 

Since moving into the guesthouse in July, Anderson has become a friend and frequent dinner guest of the Sheffields. He painted a watercolor for Sheffield’s wife for her birthday, and installed a buffalo skull above the front door—a traditional sign of mourning—after her father died. 

Things were not going as smoothly between Anderson and Loneman, however. Their contract, which Loneman showed to me, specified that they would split the proceeds from any sales. But it also stipulated that they split the cost of storing, marketing, and selling the art. And those costs turned out to be greater than either Loneman or Anderson had imagined. Over the first nine months of the contract, Loneman said he spent at least $30,000 promoting Anderson’s work, while generating only $20,000 in sales. The artist balked, however, when Loneman tried to withhold Anderson’s half of the proceeds until expenses were paid. “I’ve spent $30,000 on art supplies in my life,” the artist countered. “How do I get that back?” 

In the end, Loneman said, he borrowed money from friends and maxed out both his and his wife’s credit cards. The couple is now separated and his wife is seeking a divorce—in large part because of the financial stress, he said. 

Just when Loneman began to realize he was in over his head and his budget, Bill Cheadle, the defense attorney who’d been awed by Anderson’s work at the pop-up gallery, reentered the picture. To Loneman, he seemed like a godsend, someone with the money and connections to take his uncle to the next level. In August, Loneman agreed to sell his contract with Anderson to Cheadle for the amount, he claims, of $15,000. (Cheadle maintains that he paid less.) Anderson himself, the man whose art was at stake, said he was not apprised of the deal, and only learned of it after the papers had been signed. 

Loneman felt lucky to have escaped his dalliance in the art world with his life. He used the money to pay back some of the people he owed, began trying to repair his marriage, and decided to go back to bartending. 

Then he learned that Cheadle had filed a police report accusing him of stealing Anderson’s art.


 

Here’s how Cheadle tells the story: On September 5, a few weeks after buying the contract from Loneman, he stopped by Uncle Bob’s to check on one of Anderson’s paintings and discovered that the lock had been changed. He also learned from the manager on duty that Loneman had recently visited the unit. When Cheadle finally got inside, he said it was obvious that paintings had been moved around. His investigation into the matter led him to a man named Rob Hovis, Loneman’s half-brother, who told Cheadle that Loneman had bragged about “holding back” around 40 paintings, presumably to later sell on his own. Furious, Cheadle filed a report with the Pasadena police. 

Loneman has a different version of the events. “There is no art missing,” he recently told me, his voice rising in indignation. His time among the swell set now clearly behind him, he was back in a tank top and jeans when we met at a Denny’s off Highway 146 in La Porte, where he’s been living since he and his wife separated. He wasn’t sure why Cheadle would file what Loneman termed a bogus claim, but he suspected nefarious intentions. “What he’s trying to do to my uncle, what he’s trying to do to me…he was no good from Jump Street,” he said.

On a recent afternoon, I visited Uncle Bob’s with Anderson, Cheadle, and Mitchell, who had just arrived in town from California. Cheadle led us to the unit, unlocked the padlock, and rolled open the door. The three men inspected the room in silence for a moment. Mitchell expressed his displeasure at the storage conditions. “See, this is a problem,” he told Cheadle. “There’s all this rat shit here.”

While Mitchell and Cheadle argued about how to remedy the situation, Anderson wandered slowly through the unit, taking out this or that painting. He seemed to be looking for something in particular. Finally, quietly, Anderson announced that at least one painting was indeed missing—a large one. He hadn’t wanted to believe Cheadle’s allegations against Loneman, the son of his best friend, he later told me, but now felt forced to admit the possibility that the man he had trusted to sell his art had instead stolen it. Perhaps that was why Loneman had never given him a key to the storage unit. (Loneman says Anderson never asked for one.) 

As we walked back to the parking lot, I asked Cheadle whether he himself was planning to give Anderson a key. “Oh, sure,” Cheadle said. “I don’t have an extra right now, but I’ll make one and give it to him.” Anderson gave me a skeptical look.

Loneman doubts that will ever happen, and issued a preemptive warning to Cheadle. “I don’t mind that he hustled me, but he can’t take this art of my uncle’s hostage. He cannot keep my uncle in the dark—not at this point in his life. My uncle is almost a medicine man. You don’t mess with him. Cheadle is going to be cursed.” (At press time, Anderson still didn’t have a key.)

The only one who seems to be cursed at present, however, is Ronald Anderson, cursed to look on helplessly as his quest to change the course of Indian art history grows more elusive by the day, frustratingly unable to earn his second chance, not even in a city known for granting them. Meanwhile, the clock ticks. 

Anderson has been trying to keep up his regular schedule of painting, but admits that lately he’s finding it difficult to concentrate. Although he enjoys Tom Sheffield’s airy guesthouse on Galveston Bay—the nicest place he’s ever lived, he says—he’s consumed with worry about the future, and increasingly weighed down by the Smoking Man’s nearly Biblical assignment. 

“Here I am in paradise, and I’m a stranger,” Anderson tells me, agitatedly rocking back and forth in a chair on his back porch in La Porte. “Don’t know what’s going on, don’t know what’s happening, don’t know what to expect.” He points out a hawk diving for fish in the bay. “What a mess. I ain’t free—no free thoughts.” It was that contract, he says. That contract “screwed up my whole life.”

Just then, another hawk flies across our field of vision carrying a silver fish in its talons. Anderson seems to forget his troubles for a moment and enter a state of childish delight. “Woo-hoo! That’s super. That’s a good Indian sign, right there. Hmm!” What does the sign mean? I ask. “That he’s going to eat,” Anderson says with a laugh.

I ask him if he ever wonders about the life he might have had if he’d ignored the Smoking Man and marketed his art sooner. “I’ve thought about that,” he says. “But I think if I had sold my stuff and became famous, I would have missed out on my Indian-ness. I think my bond with other Indians has been poverty. That has allowed me more freedom, truth, intellect, and all that stuff than if I had been buying the beer.” 

A moment later, though, he seems unsure.

“Van Gogh is one of my favorites, like everyone else,” he says. “I love imitating his painting style. But imitating his lifestyle has been a bitch.” 

Our 10 Biggest Stories of 2014

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In keeping with the tradition (you know, just because it's only an eight-or-so-years-old tradition in the news media doesn't make it any less of a tradition) of year-end story round-ups, Houstonia presents its list of our 10 biggest stories of 2014.

These are the articles that you, our readers, clicked on and shared with such intensity that we momentarily stopped to ponder whether or not our magazine should just be one giant list of restaurants, bars, and neighborhoods. Rest assured, however, that we will continue to deliver a variety of content, articles, infographics, profiles, and features as diverse as Houston throughout the year ahead—and for as many more years as our readers want to know the hottest places to live. (2145: Mars!...or maybe not. We'll see.)

  1. The 25 Hottest Neighborhoods: Is Houston a wonderful city to live in? What, you’re asking us? Of course it is. That’s not the question. The question is, where within this vast expanse of wonderfulness should you live?
  2. The 15 Best Tex-Mex Restaurants: Finding the best in a city blessed with hundreds of Tex-Mex establishments was no easy task (especially on our arteries), but we did it, eating our way across Houston until we’d found the following favorites.
  3. The Montrose Rollerblader Goes National: Juan Carlos, the man who's been entertaining Houston motorists for years, headed to New York City to appear on America's Got Talent—and Howie Mandell was far from his only fan.
  4. Houstonia Says Goodbye to Alice Alsup: We'll always remember our talented former intern for her energy, independence, and quirky sense of humor.
  5. The Best Bars in Houston: Behold, the 10 best bars in all of Houstonia, plus 27 more definitive drinkeries in eight categories—perfect for date night, trivia night, and every night in between.
  6. 52 of the Best Road Trips from Houston: From families to nature lovers, couples to history buffs, budget travelers to sky’s-the-limit types—we’ve got a road trip for you.
  7. 10 Restaurants to Try in Clear Lake: From Mexican to Middle Eastern, from Nepalese to Thai—and, of course, seafood—Clear Lake has it all.
  8. The Best New Restaurants of 2014: Still looking for reasons to believe Houston is the country’s most dynamic food city? How about 38 of them?
  9. 5 Awesome Breakfast Tacos: What the bagel is to NYC, the breakfast taco is to Houston—so you’d better get it right.
  10. 7 Places You Should Be Eating in Pearland: Killen's BBQ isn't the only reason to head south on 288—Pearland also possesses top-notch Teutonic cuisine, killer kolaches, and much more.

  

Andrew Fastow Plots An Afterlife

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“I’m always surprised when people ask me to speak about business ethics; it’s like getting Kim Kardashian to speak about chastity.”

These words, from the lips of Andrew Fastow, elicit generous laughs from a roomful of bankers and attorneys at Dallas’s Belo Mansion this past September. Over the course of the next hour, he will give a talk on the subject of corporate ethics entitled “Rules Vs. Principles” to the local chapter of the Turnaround Management Association, a talk regularly punctuated with lines like the above, lines designed to show he is fully aware of the evening’s irony. Fastow is bluntly, emphatically apologetic throughout, regularly returning to a mantra he seems to genuinely embrace: “I went to jail because I was guilty.”

He is in his early 50s but looks younger, especially for a man who spent five years in federal prison following his indictment by a federal grand jury—and subsequent guilty plea—on 78 counts of money laundering, fraud, and conspiracy. He looks handsome in an Aaron Sorkin sort of way, charming and charismatic, brilliant and quick-witted. Watching Fastow in Dallas, it’s easy to see how he became Enron’s financial wunderkind, CFO of what would become the seventh-largest company in America, at 36. 

And then, a month and a half after his Dallas engagement, his nationwide redemption tour makes a stop in Houston. 

It is a cool, rainy night downtown, and the ballroom at the Magnolia Hotel is as packed as Belo’s was. The speaker and his talk are the same, and the resemblance between Houston’s well-groomed, besuited TMA members and Dallas’s is uncanny. Still, something seems different. We notice that Fastow doesn’t seem to have gotten a haircut in the intervening weeks. We notice that he appears a bit disheveled and fidgety as he ascends to the podium.

“This is very uncomfortable for me,” he begins after a short, pensive silence. “Every time I do one of these presentations it’s uncomfortable, but especially so in Houston. I apologize ahead of time if I seem nervous, but I am.” A few minutes later, he gains enough footing to address the scandal head-on: “It embarrassed Houston tremendously. The impact on Houston was substantial. I wake up to this every day. I am tremendously embarrassed, ashamed, and most importantly, I’m very sorry.”

Many people, even former Enron employees, don’t seem to realize that Fastow is back. Released from a Louisiana federal prison camp in 2011, he returned to the Bayou City, his wife, Lea, and the couple’s two sons. Lea spent only one year in prison for her small role in the Enron financial scandal—she pled guilty to income tax fraud—while Andrew served a year for nearly every one he spent as CFO, every year he spent concocting new special-purpose entities to mask Enron’s enormous debts and support the off–balance sheet financing and mark-to-market accounting schemes that finally brought the company down. Enron presaged later scandals at Wall Street’s “too big to fail” banks and ushered in the Sarbanes-Oxley act, aimed at preventing such failures and frauds from disrupting the American economy in the future.

As his introductory remarks sink in, Fastow plunges into “Rules Vs. Principles” again—drawing laughs still, though strained this time—and fumbles through the same slides. The post-presentation Q&A session isn’t nearly so friendly as the one in Dallas. There is aggressive questioning from a few former Enron employees, including one whistleblower. “Nothing you say will offend me,” Fastow promises before the questions commence. “I don’t think I can get offended at this point in my life.”

As to why Fastow would submit to this sort of treatment, well, perhaps he is fashioning an afterlife for himself as a whistleblower too. He’s too late for his old company, of course, whose 2002 implosion left more than 4,000 Enron employees jobless and various pension funds bereft of an estimated $1.5 billion. But if he hurries, if he gives enough talks like these around the country, at places like Stanford and Harvard, or at the University of Colorado, where he teaches a yearly ethics course, he might just prevent another Enron. Or so the thinking goes.

His message: the same accounting practices that brought down Enron and landed him in prison—practices that allow a company to operate as if it’s much more profitable and stable than it really is, practices that aren’t illegal when done correctly—are still in wide use today. Operating this way is technically known as “believing your own bullshit,” according to Fastow, and is as much a threat to corporate America as Department of Justice investigations and federal indictments.

Creative accounting is everywhere, he says, from the SPEs used by GM to hide its mounting debt, to the elaborate tax shelter Apple gained by moving its global headquarters to Knocknaheeny, a suburb of the Irish city of Cork. He shows us a set of slides he made for his Colorado students demonstrating how their own university’s accountants create a more favorable debt-to-asset ratio, using techniques the students initially consider unethical. Their thinking evolves, however, once Fastow tells them that such number-crunching allows the university to keep tuition costs down. There’s nothing wrong with a little creative accounting, the students tell him, much to his chagrin. 

No one ever asked me to give a presentation when I was CFO of Enron. But I get invited every week to give a presentation now, and the only reason is because I was in jail.

As compelling as his presentations are, he is aware that many in the audience, especially here, have come not to see Fastow the whistleblower but Fastow the whipping boy. “No one ever asked me to give a presentation when I was CFO of Enron,” he observes at one point. “But I get invited every week to give a presentation now, and the only reason is because I was in jail.”

Fastow has brought visual aids to further illustrate his point. The first is an elegant, colorful glass trophy he was awarded as CFO of the year in 2000. “It’s gotten a little beat up over the years,” he says, pointing to a particularly well-worn detail. “It used to have a star here; it fell off. Now it just looks like it’s giving me the finger.” The audience cackles, as if on cue. “If you go back and read the article in CFO Magazine,” Fastow says, “I was given this award for doing off–balance sheet financing, which of course, today, is a pejorative.”

The second visual aid is his prison ID card, plastic and just as beat up as his CFO trophy. He regards it for a moment. “I got both of these things for doing the same deals.” The audience murmurs, heads shake, attendees confer quietly with one another and then nod in unison: He had it coming.

It is perhaps for the benefit of this sizable chunk of his audience that Fastow makes frequent reference to just how far he has fallen over the past decade: the years of his life he wasted devoting a prodigious intelligence to playing cards in a prison bunk; the post-prison period when “your neighbors don’t talk to you”; the job offers he gets these days, which are minimal aside from a few consulting gigs and speaking engagements here and there. It is a litany of woes with no upsides, unless you count this: “There’s such low expectations for me, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

At the end of the night, Fastow is the last one in line at the valet stand. Though the talk and its nerve-jangling Q&A session are over, he still looks agitated, impatient for his car to arrive. Up close, he’s slighter and shorter than we’d thought. Anxiety seems to roll off him in waves as he fidgets with his phone, eyes darting. We happen to be the second-to-last ones to get our car, and so turn and compliment him on his presentation.

“People ask me if I feel better after doing these,” Fastow replies quietly. “I don’t.” Then why do them? He wasn’t paid a thing for tonight’s speech. He isn’t obligated to give presentations, nor does he seem to enjoy them, a few moments in Dallas notwithstanding. Is he wearing a hair shirt? Is this all just an elaborate act of contrition?

I’ve done my penance,” he snaps back. “I spent five years in prison.” With that, there is silence. A few minutes later, Fastow’s silver Prius arrives. He tips the valet and drives away into the misty dark. 

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